So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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