FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
