i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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