Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
