I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
