Quick, to the slutcave!
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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