I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
