apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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