Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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