I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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