GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
