just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Randomize