the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
