I only kidnapped one of them. chill
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
