you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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