i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
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