Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
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