My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I need moral support for this bender
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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