I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize