she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
