The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
His hands were made for my vagina.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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