Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
