I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
