so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
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