His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
