If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
