No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
