The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
