Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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