I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Randomize
