1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
My feet surprised me
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