Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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