YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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