Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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