I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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