if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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