I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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