I'm lost and stupid without you.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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