The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Is it penis luge time yet?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
