So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
