it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
