My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize