my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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