Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
