it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Randomize
