I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
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