She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize