He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
