but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Randomize
