when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Randomize