respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
