so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
