I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
