I haven't been this sober since birth.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
