my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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