I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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