Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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