I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I deserve to be covered in dicks
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
