I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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